He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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