She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
