Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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