I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize