I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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