I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
