how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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