Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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