so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I think I am morally bankrupt
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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