I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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