he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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