i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
