I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
