i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"