She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
