I can feel you judging me through the phone.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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