im having a threesome with these popsicles
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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