someone get that fucking seahorse.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
