just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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