just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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