her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
