Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
