He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
