Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
