SEEEEXXX PLEASE
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
