you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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