wrigley field is MILF paradise
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I need moral support for this bender
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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