"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
