why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
