I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
