Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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