i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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