roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
