I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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