I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
