I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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