first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
