Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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