I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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