Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
