I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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