Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i drank out of a bidet.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
How many fucks given?
0.12846
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
