I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
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