ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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