You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
