Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
