oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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