thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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