I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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