Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
