mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
