Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
