I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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