I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
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Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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