I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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