and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
